Hanging out the 15th floor

Last night I stood at the edge of the roof, knowing I was going to jump. And just standing there, a milisecond away from actually jumping off, with the freezing wind biting at my face and the worry-free mindset of the unavoidably suicidal, I felt better. Like I no longer needed to jump.

I didn't.

Pneumonia

So. I have pneumonia. And it's really not fun. I worked 7 hours at the winterguard thing on Saturday, and that made it worse. I have a test in Civics and an Essay to write in English tomorrow, otherwise I'd stay home.

I feel like hell. I sort of feel like I'm floating, actually. Like I'm trapped in this body. My mind still functions at its usual rapid rate, but I'm sluggish and numb feeling at the same time. This is weird. No, this SUCKS. Concert Tuesday. Great. Fantastic.

I have lost all faith in the human race

I was recently browsing facebook groups and found one that was "Anti Gay Marriage". I thought I would check out the stupid reasoning the group had for being against homosexuals, and I discovered this comment on the group wall:

"Hello Guys, Just thought I would add my 2 cents. I believe we are directed by the word of God to shun homosexuality. Not only is it a sin, but a VILE sin. It is an utter abomination. I believe we should have state laws against homosexuality, and the death penalty for those who practice homosexuality."

I really, really hate humans.

Day 102 without you here.

You will never know how much I miss you.

Freewrite

It's 7:05 PM on Friday, February 15th, 2008. I haven't slept in forty-eight hours, and I won't sleep for another twelve. My mother is gone. She's been doing this a lot lately. Just leaving. What really kills me is having to take care of Jeremy and Christina. They're not little kids -- Jeremy is my twin and Christina only a year younger, but neither can fend for themselves. I'm cooking dinner and I'm wondering where she is. I'm worrying that she won't come back. What about my surgery tomorrow? What. About. My fucking. Surgery.? I won't be able to drive myself home afterwards. I won't even be able to think straight. How dare she. How dare she leave her children like this. I want her to come back. I want to kill her, and yet, I know that when she does return, we will only get into another yelling match, and I will simply return to the solitude of my room. The only thing keeping me from leaving now is the fact that I know if I left, Jeremy and Christina would be lost. Never out the door on time for school, never have balanced meals with protein, vegetables, vitamins. I am not a parent. I can not HANDLE being a parent. Perhaps I understand the world better than they do, but I am a kid. I am not capable of parenting. I can not keep track of their lives and my own. I cannot raise two teenagers, being one myself. I am not a parent. I am not even a stable human being. Don't you understand that, mother? I am a danger to the mentality of your other children. Do not leave us here to rot.