I don't want to kill myself

I just want to get out of here. Away from everyone. Never have to see my family or the people that hate me again, ever. I could go to college, studying a subject I love. Get a job I love. Live by myself, armed and dangerous, but alone. I want to get out so badly, sometimes I feel like I'd rather kill myself than wait it out.


But I don't want to die here.
I really don't.

I have a lot to say

I have a lot of nothing to say.

Jumper

I think that would be the prettiest thing in the whole world. Standing up on a building, actually knowing for a fact you were going to jump. Appreciating every little car, every blade of grass, every breath of air -- because you know it will be the last you experience. You appreciate everything more when you're hanging off the top of a building, I think, because it's like being reborn. You can again understand how when everything is new or final it seems much greater, because on sight it is perfectly created, it is so interesting how everything functions. Only when we are forced to endure year after year of problems, consequences, and pain do we lose sight of how fascinating everything is. Not fascinating enough to extract us from our ledges, but fascinating enough to enjoy a last breath.

032408

I'm so tired of this.



I keep coming here.

Brass Band

TYBE/TYBB were excellent. Both did really, really well. I enjoyed the concert and getting to see everyone perform, even though COLLEEN QUIT. I brought her to come see it at least.

Nothing really to say other than it was fantastic,
and it was good to get out of my damn house for a few hours.

Psychological realization pt. I

By calling you a monster, I make you unreal. It is not reasonable to expect me to defend myself against someone that is unreal. By making you a monster, it isn't my fault. And though by making you a man it becomes my fault, it means you can be be destroyed. It means you can be forgotten.

And that is beautiful.

One level below hell

I am so tired of people. Life. Not belonging.
Maybe fitting in no place is acceptable, but when you don't even fit in with your family, when you can't talk without being yelled at or hit, when you have nowhere you can find comfort and solace, you are truly lost. I have spent many hours standing on the edges of roofs or looking out of windows, wishing I could jump. Not because I want to die, but because I think maybe I'll find what I've been looking for. I have no way out. I do not know what will happen to me as the years progress; I do not care.

I do not want to be here. The world is miserable. Even something as small as worms drowning in puddles after a storm can be turned into devastating symbolism, can raise horrifying questions. Will they too search for survivors? Greive? Dispose of the carnage? Feel the horror and shock of knowing that a third of their population has been wiped out in a single night?

These questions cannot be answered in books, but in dreams. The nightmares I endure regularly explain things such as this, though the answers are not ones I want to hear. Misery is endless and oppressive. Its' black fingertips stretch beyond the human race (which surely is deserving of such pain) and grab hold of the innocent, the perfect. Even something so small as a population of worms must suffer, must feel pain. Here in a world where nothing is untouchable by hatred, where nothing is devoid of sorrow, I cannot exist.

Nightmare

I had a dream last night that all the marching band kids (with a select few non-band kids included), were on a boat, myself included. We were all sucked into a whirlpool. It sounds dumb, I know. But imagine if it was actually happening. A whirlpool. No way out. We all managed to stay on the boat until the very end. The strain from the whirlpool on the boat did something to the oil temperature?? (Probably not possible, this WAS a dream.) annndd the boat caught fire and we all jumped. And then we were all in the water. Screaming. And it felt like it stopped for a minute, but it really didn't. And I was hugging as many people as I could grab onto, trying to get in a sort of goodbye. I trying to choke through the water with an "I LOVE YOU GUYS", but I don't know how many heard me. And then it got faster. We got to the end, and we all went under. And then everyone was dead, and I woke up sobbing.

Hanging out the 15th floor

Last night I stood at the edge of the roof, knowing I was going to jump. And just standing there, a milisecond away from actually jumping off, with the freezing wind biting at my face and the worry-free mindset of the unavoidably suicidal, I felt better. Like I no longer needed to jump.

I didn't.

Pneumonia

So. I have pneumonia. And it's really not fun. I worked 7 hours at the winterguard thing on Saturday, and that made it worse. I have a test in Civics and an Essay to write in English tomorrow, otherwise I'd stay home.

I feel like hell. I sort of feel like I'm floating, actually. Like I'm trapped in this body. My mind still functions at its usual rapid rate, but I'm sluggish and numb feeling at the same time. This is weird. No, this SUCKS. Concert Tuesday. Great. Fantastic.

I have lost all faith in the human race

I was recently browsing facebook groups and found one that was "Anti Gay Marriage". I thought I would check out the stupid reasoning the group had for being against homosexuals, and I discovered this comment on the group wall:

"Hello Guys, Just thought I would add my 2 cents. I believe we are directed by the word of God to shun homosexuality. Not only is it a sin, but a VILE sin. It is an utter abomination. I believe we should have state laws against homosexuality, and the death penalty for those who practice homosexuality."

I really, really hate humans.

Day 102 without you here.

You will never know how much I miss you.

Freewrite

It's 7:05 PM on Friday, February 15th, 2008. I haven't slept in forty-eight hours, and I won't sleep for another twelve. My mother is gone. She's been doing this a lot lately. Just leaving. What really kills me is having to take care of Jeremy and Christina. They're not little kids -- Jeremy is my twin and Christina only a year younger, but neither can fend for themselves. I'm cooking dinner and I'm wondering where she is. I'm worrying that she won't come back. What about my surgery tomorrow? What. About. My fucking. Surgery.? I won't be able to drive myself home afterwards. I won't even be able to think straight. How dare she. How dare she leave her children like this. I want her to come back. I want to kill her, and yet, I know that when she does return, we will only get into another yelling match, and I will simply return to the solitude of my room. The only thing keeping me from leaving now is the fact that I know if I left, Jeremy and Christina would be lost. Never out the door on time for school, never have balanced meals with protein, vegetables, vitamins. I am not a parent. I can not HANDLE being a parent. Perhaps I understand the world better than they do, but I am a kid. I am not capable of parenting. I can not keep track of their lives and my own. I cannot raise two teenagers, being one myself. I am not a parent. I am not even a stable human being. Don't you understand that, mother? I am a danger to the mentality of your other children. Do not leave us here to rot.